My Dad had the right idea. He had it all worked out. He used to say to me, “Son, don’t miss the wonders that surround you; because, every tree, every rock, every ant hill, every star is filled with the wonders of nature.” And, he used to say to me, “Have you ever noticed how grateful you are to see daylight again after coming through a long, dark tunnel?” Well, he’d say, “Always try to see life around you, as if you’d just come out a tunnel.”–Jefferson Smith (Mr. Smith Goes to Washington)
If you have seen Mr. Smith Goes to Washington you know that Jeff Smith turns to Saunders next and asks her where she came from. Saunders, with tears beginning to well up in her eyes, replied, “I guess I always lived in the tunnel.”
Driving into the Tunnel
Unlike Saunders, I didn’t live my whole life in the tunnel. Sure, I was driving around aimlessly and without direction for many years, but it wasn’t until right around my 49th birthday that I took a hard left hand turn and veered into the tunnel.
I turned into the tunnel in the Spring of 2015, it was very dark, and I could see no way out. I had a date, so I had come to believe, with death. For weeks, throughout the Spring and Summer, the date relentlessly approached. With every day that passed, the tunnel closed in around me and the darkness grew deeper.
My world had been shaken and I had nowhere to turn. I had nobody I could talk to. Of course, I could always talk to my wife, except I couldn’t. I had to face the darkness alone. Not because she wouldn’t understand, she is a nurse, but because I didn’t want her to know how scared I was.
This wasn’t some macho thing, I didn’t want her to know how scared I was because I didn’t want her to worry about me. I didn’t want her to worry about her future without me. She was probably worried enough as it was, it was up to me to put on a brave face and pretend I was okay. I figured that if I appeared strong it would help her to be strong. Ironically she was probably doing the same thing for me. But I wasn’t okay and I wasn’t strong.
I couldn’t sleep and I couldn’t concentrate on anything except my date with destiny. It was on my mind all day long, every day, and it was on my mind as I tossed and I turned at night. I was drinking more than I should. I drank more than I should before the darkness surrounded me, but now it was worse.
A Shimmering in the Dark
Time kept moving, the clock kept ticking away. Spring turned into Summer and my date with destiny was growing closer. But then something began to happen as Autumn drew near. There was something shimmering up ahead if only I had the courage to reach out to it, but this would mean humbling myself.
This shimmering was not something I could see, it came into my head as a thought. But I could not shake the thought. It was as if someone was trying to throw me a lifeline.
I hit the bottom and there was no place else to go, so I thought. But the shimmering was growing larger. It was getting harder to ignore.
It was about six weeks before my date with destiny and Lauri and I were celebrating our anniversary. We had a few drinks, and it was Lauri who broke the silence between us about what I (and she) was going through. She simply asked me how I was doing and told me she thought it seemed like I was doing okay. It all came out. Trying to hold back tears I broke down, I humbled myself for the first time, and I told her I needed to talk to her Pastor. The shimmering was becoming a light in the darkness. But still I was unsure, I had questions.
Stepping into the Light
On Wednesday, September 30th 2015 I humbled myself for the second time, reached out, and stepped into the light. On that Wednesday, roughly two weeks after the conversation with my wife, I accepted Jesus Christ into my heart as my Lord and Savior in the Pastor’s office.
My burden was lifted at that moment. Two days after I accepted Christ I realized all my fear and anxiety were gone. I don’t know if I stepped into the light so much as God reached into the tunnel and pulled me out into the light.
Now I try to live every day like I just came out of that tunnel. I see everything through the light of the world, and I will never forget what God did for me in my time of desperation. I will proclaim the excellencies of him who called me out of darkness into his marvelous light1 for the rest of my life.
After years of wandering I was finally home. I keep the words of the song “Living Hope” by Phil Wickham on the homepage of this blog, they remind me of those dark days, the desperation, and God pulling me out of the tunnel.
How great the chasm that lay between us.
How high the mountain I could not climb.
In desperation, I turned to heaven,
And spoke Your name into the night.
Then through the darkness, Your loving kindness,
Tore through the shadows of my soul
The first time I heard this song I nearly broke down, and now very time I hear this song I get goosebumps and it brings me back to that time, in a good way. It is good to remember where you came from and how far you have traveled.
Are You in a Tunnel?
Are you in a tunnel? Are you facing a dark time in your life? Do you feel you have nowhere to turn? Are you driving around aimlessly and without direction? Perhaps you feel empty and worthless, or you feel like life has no meaning.
If so, I am here to tell you there is a way out of the darkness. But it means humbling yourself, and I know that is the hardest part. Nobody wants to admit they cannot do it on their own. But the truth is that you don’t have to, you are not alone.
God is waiting there for you to come to him and he wants you to call out to him. He will answer the call of those honestly seeking, but you have to be listening because he does not always reveal himself in the same way.
The Earthquake or the Still Small Voice?
With me God used an earthquake, he rocked my world and gave me pause. He stopped me in my tracks and made me think. But after the earthquake came the shimmering, the still small voice, calling to me. The lifeline.
It is not like this with everybody. Not everybody gets the earthquake. Perhaps God knew I could handle the earthquake and it would make me stronger, I don’t know the answer to that question.
But I know that God often speaks in a still small voice because I heard it in the tunnel and I have heard it since that time. Maybe I heard it before all of this happened and ignored it, or did not recognize it. That’s another question I don’t have the answer to, but I’m inclined to believe I did.
The truth is that I had spent years looking for this light, but I have now come to realize that I never found it because I never truly reached out to it and I never humbled myself.
Do you hear a small voice in your head that seems to be whispering to you? Does it make you curious to know more? Does this voice cause you to think about what you believe or do not believe? Please don’t ignore it, God could be calling out to you.
Ask Him
Reach out earnestly to God and say a prayer asking him to reveal himself. If you are ready, talk to a Pastor and ask him any questions you might have. He will be glad to help you. If you are not ready for that, visit a church service and sit in the back, ask God to help you understand, and then just listen.
Pick up a Bible and open to the book of John. Open your heart and your mind and wait for him. God has been longing to hear from you and he will not let you down.
God will pull you out of that tunnel and set your eyes on the path to righteousness. The light will pull you out of the darkness, God will rescue you from whatever you are facing and, perhaps even more importantly, he will rescue you from yourself if you give him a chance.
God Has a Plan for Me, and He Has a Plan For You
It has been ten years since that fateful and wonderful year that started with depression, anxiety, fear, and despair, and ended in such joy and with a peace which transcends all understanding.2
During those ten years God has molded and shaped me into a different person. I am not the same person I was ten years ago, or one year ago, and I hope I won’t be the same person tomorrow.
I am just now starting to learn what God’s plan is for me. He is leading me down a path I could never have imagined even two years ago. Writing this blog is part of it, but that is only the beginning.
God was not done with me, he has a plan for me. And I want you to know that God also has a plan for you. He is not finished with you, he wants you to turn to him. If you seek him with all your heart,3 you will find him and your life will never be the same.
Do not live your life in the tunnel, step into the light of the world and feel the warm glow on your face.
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